The Spider. A dramatic re-enactment: A quick doodle.

So last night while I was talking to my fiance about the idea of getting a new computer, cuz dammit I really need a new one, when suddenly my fiance freaks the f*ck out going "Whoa! Not cool! NOT COOL!!!" I turned to look towards whatever he was freaking out over and there it was. The BIGGEST doozy of a spider I've seen in years. Just walking up the wall from behind the radiator all like "Oh hey, it was getting real warm down there. Did you turn the heating on or something?"

My fiance runs from the sofa to the airlock at the front door and shuts himself in. Leaving me to bring my beast-slaying skills to the rescue. So I prepare. I opened the back window (cuz I don't really like killing them, that just makes a mess :/), grab a tea towel cuz toilet roll was not enough for this job and take position about a metre away from the wall. And then I actually see the mo'fo.

It was friggin' huge. I know I saw that it was pretty big but now that I'm staring at it and taking it in, the little ugly bugger was actually pretty f*cking huge! I stand there analysing it for a few minutes. It's got this horrible brown thing on it's back... I wanted to take a closer look but I found myself too disgusted to move my eyes anywhere near it. I'm not usually bothered by spiders but this one was fugly, really fugly.
Then I realize that this spider's size is very similar to the palm of my hand. Looking between them both I could confirm that it was indeed the same size as my palm... Thus bringing me to the conclusion that I'm going to have to change tactics slightly as this was going to be a two hand situation.

So I position the tea towel in both hands, ready to scoop the thing up and take a few minutes to again look at freakishly huge thing on my wall. Not believing my own discomfort, I braced myself, scooped the spider up and closed my tea towel covered hands over it. I took it quickly to the open window and tipped the tea towel out of it. It was certainly in there, which is good otherwise that would mean I missed, though how you could miss something that size is beyond me. I shook the towel but it was clinging on and evidently a bit p*ssed. So I dropped the whole tea towel out the window. Because it's fine, I can get a new one. It's still outside in the garden now and it has been raining. It's going in the big bins outside which the usual rubbish bags I take out.

True. Effing. Story.

And my fiance wasn't at all pleased, he whinged for a good ten minutes just because it had been inside in the first place.

:/